Almost Four

My baby is almost a kid.  I'm so proud of her.  And so sad, too.  Almost a kid.  And then grown, and I won't know where it has gone.

She has a heart bigger than her body.  She still loves and asks for the people who hurt and abandoned her a year ago, and that kills me.  But I'm so impressed by her consistent love, too.  I hope she gets a little of that from me.  I know I've never been able to stop loving someone, even when they beat and beat me.  It just hurts my whole self knowing the pain she is gonna go through, wearing her heart on her sleeve like that.  Just another reason I am sad she is growing up so fast.

There is so much joy in watching her grow.  We laugh and learn and run every day, and I am exhilarated by these tiny lives in my hands.  But tonight I'm feeling mostly the melancholy of passing time and the memories we made over her first years that have been betrayed or dismissed.  I'm feeling our lives race past me while I scratch and cling, hanging on.  I'm feeling like a mom.  So it's good.  It's just... hard.  Just hard.

I'm gonna go hug my baby before she grows up.

It's 9am, and my baby is... asleep?

He was up from 5:30 to 6:30 or so, while I cuddled him and whispered "nigh-nights, Jack, nigh-nights, Mommy's tired...  Then at 8:15 Ella came in to get me :).  Yay for sleeping babies!

Ella's final art class of the season is today.  I love seeing my mommy friends and participating in projects with my little artist, so I'll miss it.  But we are picking up a third day of preschool, so we'll be extra busy anyway.

Halloween is so close!  I love it, and I love watching my kids love it even more.  Ella, after a long flirtation with the idea of a "fruit bat," has settled on a "blue dragonfly."  Her super awesome Nana found one that also manages to combine a princess theme, and this kid is in HEAVEN.  Jack's gonna be a tiny zombie with his uncle Adam :).  As per usual, we'll set up the bouncer and cook dinner for friends and family and then go trick-or-treating.  Good life - great times. 

Ella has numbers up on her shelf counting down to Halloween...  She took down the four today!  Hooray!

Little handprints

I'm sitting across the room from my baby man, watching him pound the television screen with his palms. It makes him happy :), and doesn't hurt anything that can't be cleaned up, so why not? The thing is, I really hate washing those little fingerprints off the glass... Every time I think, I will never see exactly this print again. His hand will never be exactly this size, in exactly this position. And he just keeps on growing, despite my admonitions and pleas...

Ella's new preschool has occasional playdates so that the kids can get to know one another, and get comfortable with the teacher and the idea of a daily schedule. At one of these playdates I was speaking to Teacher Shaya (no, I don't know why we all call her by the full title "Teacher Shaya." But I roll with it.) and she said that she likes to have the kids do lots of handprint projects. When her kids were small they created some, and she saved them. When they were much older she went back through their school things and found that she loved looking at the memory of their growth that a handprint uniquely records, and that she had all too few of them. So she makes sure that we get them all the time. So we can watch our babies hands grow as they make their way through their first years of school.

I'm so grateful for her - in general, as she is a marvelous teacher and influence for my daughter, but especially for this. I already have three handprint projects created especially by my little girl. Proudly presented to me from her own paint-stained, happy hands :).

And if you come over and their are handprints on the tv, and on the bedroom mirror, and on the walls and the windows and the tables... Smile about it. They'll be clean again much, much too soon.

and years go by

I haven't been here in too long a while.

My baby boy, Jackson Scott, was born on September 3rd of 2009. He is the little love of my life. I didn't know how many kinds of perfect love there are in the world - I never imagined there could be something different but equally amazing as my heart full of Ella. I love them each completely on their own terms, and completely brilliantly. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever anticipated.

...

checking in...

Hahahaha! I am the worst blogger EVER! I have all you ladies to look up to and emulate, and yet I never get around to it - I've always been the most incredible procrastinator. I wrote both of my 30-40 page thesis projects the night before they were due... golly, I hope Ella can learn from all her aunties rather than her mommy about the importance of keeping up on homework. Perhaps if I didn't spend so much time reading Crysi's blog, I'd get more done... HAHAHA...

Wow, I felt pretty bummed there for a while there. And when you use a word like "bummed," it's hard to be taken seriously, isn't it? Haha :). California talk has infiltrated my formerly excellent vocabulary...

But really, what was THAT about? I hope I don't go there again for a while. I think it was in the water out here - my Nita wasn't doing so hot either. I mean, she IS hot, but not feeling it. Plus there was the whole miserable cold thing - just had the blahs. The blah blah BLAHS.

The only bright spot was my little monster! Which is quickly becoming her regular nickname. Rotten princess. Tiny monster. Meanie. All said with love and pride!

For anyone who couldn't hear me crowing from the boards, Ella pulled herself into a sit two days ago, and then crawled yesterday! I expect her to be walking by tomorrow. We don't abide by no laziness' round here...

Gotta feed the monster. Boob and oatmeal - YUM...

well here we all are!

My favorite ladies, sans one, are here now - and that's a good thing :). What was the point of a blog to myself? I already know my own neurosis pretty well without documenting them!

I am tired. My baby is snuffly and wouldn't sleep, so I didn't sleep, and now she's napping and I am just not a napper. So instead I'm here feeling sorry for my self and not getting to go BF Group or even shop for baby clothes (which ALWAYS cheers me up!). But I think it's important to keep her in and quiet and warm for the day. To knock this cold right out of her.

I'm slow to choose drugs (nowdays anyhow...shhh...) to mask sickness - I want her to make anti-bodies and build up a strong immune system. So we will just deal with it. Damn, I could use a bloody mary... AMY, SOME HELP?

It's such beautiful day, how can it possibly feel so dull?